Released

 In a talk given by Elder William R. Walker he stated, “… we need to graciously accept and acknowledge the inspiration that led to our release from a calling we loved.” Those words while correct are very hard to remember.  Last Sunday when I was told I was being extended a new calling, all I heard was you are being released. The most I had served the Lord in a calling was for 4 months and I did not get really attached. I have been in Young Womens for three years so this one was a lot harder on me. I was blindsided and angry, but I accepted my new calling.

   I went and sat in my room alone with a million questions running through my mind. Why now? My first thought was that I had failed the young women. While I had been in Young Womens for three years I had only been in the presidency for a year and I was the only one being released. I questioned everything I did wrong. I never once thought about the lives I had touched. The adversary had gotten to me that quickly. He had convinced me that I was a failure. I had failed Heavenly Father

  After my thoughts of failure and sadness (sorry to the Primary President who called me so excited I accepted the call and I broke down in tears) my emotion turned to anger. The anger came fast and full strength. I became mad at everyone around me and said hurtful things. I was irrational. The worst of my anger was reserved for one: Heavenly Father. I told Him that I was so angry with Him. That when I prayed for strength this is not what I meant. I love the young women so much and my calling is what kept me going to church. There were days the only reason I went because of those girls. It became my identity. I can’t even put into words how angry I was. My sweet husband listened to me cry for hours on Sunday and again on Monday. He read me scriptures and tried to convince me that this happened for a reason.

  After talking to a dear friend and telling her my thoughts (which I now see as irrational thoughts) she said maybe I was released because something was going to happen like maybe we would finally be able to start a family. This got me thinking and doing some soul searching. What I found next really surprised me. I knew I was struggling spiritually and I felt like my calling was what kept me going and I was so mad at Heavenly Father for taking that away from me ( I actually said that to Him).

  Here’s what I have realized, He did not take anything from me. He gave me a gift and that is time to focus on myself. I have been very open in the last couple months that I was struggling and shared a story of a sister from another ward coming to let me know He was aware of this struggle and that He loved me.  It was at this time that I felt like my prayers were being unanswered, but now I know He was prompting others to help me. He was prompting shifts in the church to make sure the girls would be taken care of in young womens.

  I put my heart and soul into my calling. I would not change anything I did and I know after much prayer that I did not fail. I did my calling and I served the Lord. I know He is proud of me for that. He just realized sooner than I did that I was so focused on helping others gain a testimony or even just to come to church that I started to lose my own. Our testimonies are like a plant that needs constant nourishment. We must water them daily to keep them alive and I have spent the last years watering others plants that I forgot to water my own.  I am sure that the more I serve the Lord the better I will be at balancing that. Lesson learned: we must still nourish our testimony while helping others do the same.

  To my young women, I love you so much. I don’t think you realize how much my heart aches for all that you face. Heavenly Father has saved you for this time because He knows that you are strong enough to endure it. As leaders we are no different from you, we have struggles also. They may not be the same, but we all face trials and temptations. We are all given the tools to overcome them. I will always remember my time as your leader and I will always love each and every one of you. You helped me grow as a person and you helped me learn how to serve my Savior.  The time comes when we must move on and my time is now. Heavenly Father knew my struggles and has provided opportunity to help me. Know that He hears your every prayer and while He doesn’t always answer in the way you are looking, He will answer. I never asked to be released I just asked for help at balancing all that I must do and to help me thru my struggles. This is His way and His decision.

  I have a testimony of Heavenly Father and His love. He loves each of us individually. He loves us so much that He sent His only begotten son. He provided us a way to live with Him again. We must do the things He has asked of us. Remember to always serve Him and pray unto Him.