I Just Want to Love You

  "What do you think about yourself?" was the question that was recently posed to me. Instead of replying I love myself or I love what I see my sentence was negative. Well I wish I could lose weight, have perfect skin, better clothes or be like I used too. I try my hardest to let people think I have self esteem and that I love what I see, but in reality that is a lie.

  Five years ago I had so much self esteem and I felt beautiful. Things change and people enter your life that make you question something you once believed. I used to have tons of friends that I spent every day with and a happy marriage, but things change. I was then in a bad relationship where I was literally told I was fat, I was ugly; no one would ever want me. I had always pinpointed that relationship as the time as I lost all my self esteem, but I have recently realized that the seed was planted long before.

   When I joined the church many of my friends did not agree with my decision and soon stopped talking to me. I acted as if it did not bother me and moved on. My happy marriage was now one of ignoring each other and not touching each other for weeks.  When I was asked recently how those situations made me feel I simply stated, " I always ponder why I was never enough." Why wasn't I seen as a good enough friend to make my friendships last a lifetime or why wasn't I enough to just give me some attention?"

  Moving past the mean words that were spoken to me was difficult, but forgetting all my friends who have left my life and forgetting how a marriage falling apart made me feel is just as difficult. My husband now compliments me all the time and treats me in a way I don't think I deserve, but the thing is that I do deserve it. That is what I need to learn to accept. I need to see myself and accept myself that way my husband does and even more so how Heavenly Father does.

  Heavenly Father has made each and everyone of us. He has given us every hair on our head and He sees our true beauty. The world has us convinced that our self esteem weighs on how we compare to others. We are unique and Heavenly Father made us that way. We must remember that although there might be something we are unhappy about that Heavenly Father gave us that feature for a reason. He knows we can do something amazing in this life and has entrusted us with these bodies. We must always protect them and love them no matter what anyone says.

  I know that Heavenly Father loves us and wants the best for us. We must always be humble, but love ourselves. We must be the light for others so that they may come unto Christ.

Forgiveness

 There Are times when I hear a lesson and I feel as if it was written directly for me. Today in Young Women's I had this very thought, the subject: forgiveness. Forgiveness seems like a simply task in most situations, but what happens when we must forgive someone who has hurt us and changed our lives? Most of all how do we forgive ourselves?

  Two and a half years ago I was in a situation and I by no means was the only victim. I was hurt emotionally and physically, but I hurt that person as well in other ways. I made the decision to walk away from the situation after enduring the pain for months. The situation left me alone and broken. I knew I had to ask Heavenly Father for forgiveness, but I wasn't ready.

Today I look in the mirror and I do not like what I see. It is interesting to say that out loud, but it is life. I first want to be honest where my train of thought has come from. Two and a half years ago my life was completely different, but I went thru some very traumatic things that have greatly impacted my life. As I have moved past that time there are some things that still linger in my life.

   Imagine being told you're ugly, you're fat, no one will ever want you and so many other things far worse than this. Now imagine having to erase those things and remember that you are a daughter of Heavenly Father. You are perfect in His eyes. How do you see yourself the way He sees you? I am trying hard to learn this and I am still struggling with it two years later. I so badly want to see myself the way He does. I want to be the wife my husband deserves and I feel as if I am not. Every day is a struggle and I don't want it to be anymore. I am emotional and spiritually exhausted.

 After the traumatic situation I went thru I started showing tendencies of post traumatic stress syndrome. Although I am not nearly as bad as most cases it does affect my life. I am controlling and obsessive. I obsess over silly things, but in the moment I convince myself it is the most important thing. I clean non stop, clutter makes me anxious, things not being in the right order, etc. It started to control my life. Every time I felt like I was losing control then I would try harder to control other things. This situation was made worse by the fact that we've been trying to start a family for over a year and a half with no luck. Again something I can't control and my lack of ability to control has made the situation a lot harder.

Two and a half years ago I lost all control. I had given all the control to someone who did not deserve it. I let someone control every aspect of my life, how I dressed, what I ate, how I talked, and so much more. My life was quickly changing and I didn't know how to stop it. I was torn down to nothing. I was emotionally and physically abused by someone who meant the world to me. Aside from a few people I have never shared that with, but as I am dealing with the anxiety it has caused I've had to readdress it. I had pushed it to the back of my mind as much as I could and hoped it would go away. I never forgave myself for the part I played nor did I forgive the person. Forgiveness is a powerful thing and we must forgive everyone. I can't ever forget what happened, but I can forgive the person.

The problem I face today is that although I thought I had forgiven this person and myself. The truth is I had not. I harbored feelings for the past two and half years. I've been thru many stages: anger, sadness, loss, depression. We both had told each other we forgave the other, but those were just words. In my heart I truly had not forgiven. I was and am still angry. Angry that someone who was supposed to protect me and be a worthy man treated me like I was nothing. I have lost my self-esteem and I want it back. It will take time, so now I face the hard part of this whole trial. I have to readdress the issue and forgive myself and the person. I need to do this so I can really move on. A year ago I wrote tons in my journal about forgiveness. Here's an excerpt, I first shared a scripture from Doctrine and Covenants 64:9-10, "I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men. " Here were my thoughts that day as I read that scripture, "Forgiving is a commandment from God. How do I learn to forgive, but also remember all I've learned from the situation? I myself need to be forgiven, but there is much I must forgive and move on. Forgiveness is better than revenge: for forgiveness is the sign of a gentle nature. When we refuse to forgive we accomplish nothing. We inhibit our spiritual progress.

I am not expert on forgiveness and although I am struggling with learning how to do so I have a strong testimony of it. I have a testimony that we need to forgive to truly move on. If we do not forgive, then we can not experience true happiness. How can we expect Heavenly Father to forgive us and then refuse it ourselves? The adversary will convince you that you don't need to forgive or be forgiven, but Heavenly Father has commanded us so we must go and do.

Don't Take Offense

It's been forever since I have sat down and written a blog post. I wanted to be better, but life has kept me busy.  I have been praying quite often to Heavenly Father that He might let me know who I could help, who I could share the gospel with, and any scriptures He wants me to read. I pray for answers to these things with a sincere heart.

About a month ago the missionaries gave me and Clint a challenge to give out the Book of Mormon to someone. I think it was a great challenge however I wanted to give the Book of Mormon to someone because I had a sign from Heavenly Father. What I did ensure was that I prayed about it daily as to who I should give it to. Almost immediately I kept seeing a name right after I prayed about it and then I prayed about a scripture I should share. I knew from the beginning of the month what scripture I wanted to share to this particular person because of their particular situation.

When I was going thru some of the hardest trials of my life my favorite scripture was Moroni 8:3, "I am mindful of you always in my prayers, continually praying unto God the Father in the name of his Holy Child, Jesus, that he, through his infinite ^agoodness and ^bgrace, will keep you through the endurance of faith on his name to the end."  I knew this was the scripture I needed to share and I knew who I needed to share it with. Heavenly Father answered my prayer, but would I accept His challenge?

I am always so eager to share my testimony. My testimony is what makes my life complete. I have never been afraid to tell anyone that I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. For some reason actually giving someone the Book of Mormon frightened me and made me anxious. However, if we pray to Heavenly Father for an answer to something then we must be willing to accept the answer we receive. My mind thought what if I offend the person, or they laugh at me for trying. I was afraid of rejection. I had so many thoughts run thru my head about it, but I couldn't shake the feeling I had that I would be letting Heavenly Father down. I asked Him and He loved me enough to tell me what I should do, so I needed to do what I told Him. I needed to keep my promise to Him.

I prayed how I should give it to this person and I couldn't quite come up with anything. Although I wasn't doing this simply for the missionaries who challenged me to do it by the end of the month I had that date set in my head. I knew I needed to give myself a deadline of sorts or I would come up with a million excuses and never do it. It was one day until the end of the month and I thought to myself that I had let Him down. I never found the opportunity and I would continue to be afraid to do this simple task. I prayed to Heavenly Father that I needed to know what to do next and the answer came to me. The answer was that I should not simply just give the Book of Mormon to someone that I should share my favorite scripture because this scripture got me thru some really hard times and maybe it could get this person thru a difficult time. I took the Book of Mormon and wrote my testimony in the back along with the two missionaries'. I asked my husband to write his testimony in it as well and then I marked the scripture. I wrapped it up and on the last day of the month I gave it to this person.

I was scared to death and anxious all day, but the reason I share this story is not to gloat that I gave the Book of Mormon. It was to share a simple thought that we should not be afraid to share the Book of Mormon. My scriptures are one of my most prized possessions. I sleep right next to them and read them daily. I listen to them every morning on my way to work. My life is centered around this gospel and it brings me a pure happiness. I am not here trying to convert anyone I am sharing what I believe to be another testament of Jesus Christ. I am sharing a scripture, or a thought that Heavenly Father is always mindful of us and our trials. It is my prayer that those that I share this with will never be offended. I do it out of love. I do it because I care so much for you that I wanted to share what got me thru hard times. I want to share with you why I live a life of happiness.

The Book of Mormon was the hardest thing for me to gain a testimony of, but eventually after a couple of years I did. I know without a doubt that it is the word of God. I know that if we read the Book of Mormon and the Holy Bible that we will become closer to God. We will be given the tools to overcome any trials we might face.

2014 Challenge

I posted about this on facebook, but I also wanted to post it on here. So our Bishop challenged the youth and leaders starting January 1 to beat him at reading the Book of Mormon by October. I love this challenge however I felt that I wanted to go a bit further. I decided that I would get a copy like the missionaries give out and cover it nicely on the front, read it cover to cover, mark it up, leave notes, and last leave my testimony in it. I will then pass it on to someone who is a non member that I think can benefit from it (although I think everyone can benefit). This is my challenge for 2014. I have been trying to track down as many copies of the soft cover books I can find...and no such luck! Lds.org is sold out and backordered! I also posted on facebook and so far have only found someone with a couple. I need so many more that I can redo and give out to people to do this challenge. I want to make it big so that we can all be missionaries...the more we can pass on the better! So please help if you have any laying around please let me have them I will love you forever!! Thanks...and Happy New Year!

Think Before You Speak

Guilty as charged!! This topic is something that has been weighing on my mind because I am guilty at doing this: not thinking before I speak. I remember a conversation with a friend when I simply told a friend that atimes are not good right now as we owe our Home Owners Association fee which is a lot of money. I did not think much of what I was saying and although this comment would probably have some friends agree with me I was not thinking of the person I said it too. He replied that he could not wait until the day he had to pay a home owner's association fee because that would mean he would finally own his own home.  I instantly felt horrible. Here I was complaining about something that he could only dream about. I put this in the back of mind and tried to watch what I said to others.

  In Doctrine and Covenants 78:19 it states, " He who receiveth all things with thankfulness shall be made glorious." We must always remember to be thankful for our blessings and also remember to find the true meaning of our trials. Keep in mind that others are fighting battles too. I think everyone needs to vent at times and that is perfectly acceptable. What I am suggesting is that maybe we be more careful about how we vent or complain. I once read a book that suggested you pick one person you vent to and that is the only person you vent too. I have tried this is my own life and I have one friend that I tell everything too. For the most part I keep my struggles to myself aside from telling her. This helps to ensure that I will not offend anyone with my complaints about life's struggles.

  We must keep others in mind at all times. Think before you speak. Think could this person be offended by my complaints. Remember that although you might not be in love with your house layout that there are those who would just love a home to call their own; that you hardly have money to do anything fun there are those who can't even pay all their bills; that your kids are driving you crazy or you never have free time that there are those who would give up all their free time to be able to have children. These are just a few examples of simple things that you might say that could hurt other people.

 I strive every day to keep my life positive and I know that I am blessed because I do so. We must always be thankful for everything we are given in life and even those things we are not given. Heavenly Father knows what we need and He will provide for us. I urge everyone to just think next time before you speak negatively about something if the person you are saying it too could take offense to it. I urge everyone to pick a venting buddy! It is good to get out life's frustrations. Pray to Heavenly Father for guidance. He is there to help you.

I've Repented: Now What?

   Repentance is defined as one of the first principles of the gospel and is essential to our temporal and eternal happiness. It is much more than just acknowledging wrongdoings. It is a change of mind and heart that gives us a fresh view about God, about ourselves, and about the world. It includes turning away from sin and turning to God for forgiveness. It is motivated by love for God and the sincere desire to obey His commandments.

  In the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints there are some situations when part of repenting is confessing our sins to the priesthood authority such as Bishop, Stake President etc. We must repent of all sins because we can not be in Heavenly Father's presence if we are unclean. We must repent, abandon sin, and get on the path of living a righteous life. What happens when we have done all of these things yet others have not forgotten?

   In Doctrine and Covenants 58:42 it states,  "Behold, he who has repented of his sins, the same is forgiven, and I, the Lord, remember them no more." Often when we sin our sins can have a negative effect on others so when we have repented and the Lord remembers our sin no more how do we move on when others still remember?  And more so how do we move on when we have asked those for forgiveness and not yet received it from them.

  We must stand strong and know that we have done what the Lord has asked of us. We have confessed and repented. We have changed our hearts and abandoned those sins. We have put ourselves on the righteous path. We will not be able to please everyone in this life and there will always be those that will judge us for our past transgressions. We must remember however that we have been forgiven by the only one who truly matters, our Heavenly Father.

 I know from personal experience how difficult remembering that simple fact can be. I had to repent of my sins and although I was told I was forgiven. Others had not forgiven me as quickly. I have struggled over that fact for many years until I realized that I was letting the judgment of others define who I was. I wanted to be on the righteous path. Satan will pull you in his direction any way he can. He will convince you that because others are judging you and that because others haven't forgiven you that maybe Heavenly Father has not. Do not give in. Stand strong and know that if Heavenly Father has forgiven you and others have not then it is on them. We are commanded to forgive those as Heavenly Father has forgiven us.

  I have a testimony of the repentance process. I know that if we truly repent and abandon the sin that we can and will be forgiven. I know that Heavenly Father loves us and wants what is best for us. I know that we most only remember what He feels and not what others feel about our sin. We must move on and become the righteous being we came here to be.

Prayer: It is for You

  I had a talk with someone recently that has brought some thoughts to my mind. We discussed remaining calm when upset or frustrated. When I was alone later with my thoughts I wondered how do I stay calm when I am upset or frustrated. We are all human, but how is it that I stay positive and calm? I used to have a very bad temper and I would fly off the handle over little things, but today that is not who I am. You might wonder what has changed and that is my relationship with my Heavenly Father. I learned how to pray.

 This topic is for everyone. We can all pray to our Heavenly Father and the more we do it the easier it becomes. We should not only pray in time of need, but also to give thanks for all the blessings we do have. When I first joined the church I disliked praying. It felt uncomfortable and I felt like my prayers sounded silly. In fact the first time I prayed out loud in front of anyone I told the missionary, who requested that I say the prayer, that I hated him. I said it in the middle of my prayer. Not a proud moment, but a view at how much I disliked it. Over the past couple years I have learned to pray to my Heavenly Father.

  How does being frustrated and upset all the time have anything to do with prayer? Well every morning my husband and I say a prayer together. It is typically about the same things. We are thankful for our blessings, our good night rest, we hope to get to work and return safely, and that we will each have a great day. Simple and to the point, but I have a testimony that those prayers are what get me thru the day. There have been days when I am in a hurry and run out the door without saying a prayer. I can feel the change in my attitude and my outlook on the day.

 Our rule is that we pray daily at least three times. We make it a rule so that eventually it will become a habit. I challenge everyone to make prayer a priority in your life. Even those of you who are not members of the same church as me can still pray. We can all use the guidance and we must learn to talk to our Heavenly Father. How will He ever know what you are seeking if you do not ask? He will listen to everything you have to say and remember it always. My challenge to all this week is to get on your knees at least once and say a prayer to Heavenly Father, even if the prayer is silently in your own head while on your knees. You will feel a change start to happen and if you make prayer a priority then you will see a change in your life. I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ.