I first want to start off by sharing a little
about myself to give some insight as to why I have chosen this particular
topic. I grew up in the Catholic Church
and many of my family members are devout Catholics. We went to church every
Sunday not just on Christmas and Easter. When I was old enough to make my own
decision I stopped going, as I did not believe all I had been taught. Fast forward many years, I was 24 and had
been married about a year, but my marriage was falling apart. We decided that
maybe we should try to put God into our marriage and that might save us. We had
been attending many different churches and couldn’t find one that clicked. I
was attending cosmetology school at the time and a friend who was LDS told me
she was going to send the missionaries over. I wanted to be polite so I did not
tell her no, but I wanted no part of the LDS church. My husband started to take
the lessons and I refused to come out of the bedroom. When he decided to be
baptized I informed him that I would divorce him if he chose this path. He
decided to wait until I got on board.
About a year and a half later, I started to come out of the room and
listen to the lessons. There were a particular set of Elders that I bonded with
and it was easier to accept the lessons, but I still could not agree to join
the church. I thought I would never fit in.
Eventually, I decided to pray about it as they had suggested. Both
Elders had moved on to other areas, but I decided now was the time to
pray. That night I got on my knees for
the first time and I had a conversation with my Heavenly Father. I told Him
that he needed to give me a big sign that this was the true church or I would
never join. That night I had a dream that I was baptized by one of the Elders
that had been transferred to another area. When I awoke I thought to myself
this was not possible, as he wasn’t serving in my area anymore. That day there
was a knock at my door and there stood that Elder. The missionaries had training
and in order for some to attend they had to do exchanges. I scheduled my baptism that day and was
baptized the following Saturday. I
entered the waters of baptism on April 25, 2011. I wish I could say that I have
stayed on the straight and narrow path since that date, but things did not go
as I had envisioned. Just a couple
months after my baptism, my marriage ended. I was completely lost and quickly fell off the
path that I had worked so hard to stay on. I no longer felt like I belonged in
a family ward and the friends who had helped me along the way would no longer
be in my ward. I felt like I was too old at 26 to attend the single’s ward so I
did the only thing that sounded right. I quit going to church. I quit following
many of the commandments of the church. I felt that I was so far gone that I
could never go back.
It was the day before Halloween and I was
laying in the dark or my bedroom contemplating my life. When I was married I had everything I wanted
and now I was dirt poor. I had to live with my grandma because I couldn’t
afford my rent anymore. I felt as if I had nothing going for me. It was that
night that I contemplated ending my own life. In the last few months I had gone
from a husband who didn’t love me, to someone who physical abused me and
belittled me causing me to hate myself. I did not want anyone to know the
things that I had done in the past months or who I had become so I sat there
and cried. I decided there was only one person who could help me and that was
my Heavenly Father. So I prayed and I got the feeling I should call my original
Bishop. I called him and he had me meet him at the church an hour later. I told
him everything that had happened. He let me know that I could repent and find
my way back. He then told me to start
attending the single’s ward. So as much as I didn’t want too I went anyway. I
didn’t know anyone, but I went because I wanted to repent and make things
better. The first Sunday I was there a girl introduced herself to me and invite
me to a mid-singles barn dance. I was hesitant, but agreed to go. About a week later I attended with my new
friends and that evening I met Clint. He was quiet and shy, but within a few
weeks he had opened up to me. I was in no place to be dating anyone as I was
still going through the repentance process, but dating Clint was easy. He was
fun and he made me forget the things I was going through. We very quickly
started to fall for each other and I knew he was worthy to enter the temple. I
was not and I did not think it was fair to take that away from him. I sat him
down one night and told him every part of my story even the most horrible
things I had done and that if he wanted to marry me it would not be in the
temple. At the end he looked at me with a smile and said, “It is okay, we all
make mistakes.” We were engaged a few weeks later and married in March. The reason I wanted to share this story in
detail is to show that we all can take part in the repentance process. It is
there for us all and we should use it. Jesus Christ died for us so that we may
be able to return to our Father in Heaven. I would hate to do everything in my
power to do that.
During our first year of marriage I was still
going through the repentance process. We
had bought a house and ended up in the Nampa 6th Ward. I wasn’t
thrilled about having to retell my story to my new Bishop, but it was all part
of the process. For me the first year
was tough. We never fought and we always had fun, but I was very guarded. I
could not get past the feelings and the hurt of the previous events. There were
easy days and there were days when I would randomly start crying because
something triggered a memory. I became controlling and crazy. When I went to a
therapist to work these things out I realized the reason I still had these
feelings was for one simple thing. I hadn’t fully completed the repentance
process because I had never forgiven myself. The Bishop shared a scripture with me, which I
still remember to this day, it was from Like Chapter 9 verse 62, “And Jesus
said unto him, No man, having put his hand to the plough, and looking back, is
fit for the kingdom of God.” This scripture was so important to me because it
taught me a simple lesson about the repentance process. Once we have fully
repented we must not continuously look back at the negative. We must move on.
We must turn our focus from who we used to be to who we could be. I had become
so focused on my sins that I felt that those defined me. I lost focus of who I
could be. The day I completed my repentance one of the bishopric members hugged
me and said, “ You are a lucky one because you understood the need for the
repentance process and you were able to use it.” It wasn’t until that point
that I fully understood repentance. Repentance is one of the first principles of
the gospel and is essential to our temporal and eternal happiness. We must
change our mind and heart. When we repent we must turn away from sin and turn
to God for forgiveness. The Lord declared in Alma 11:37 “And I say unto you again that he cannot save them in their sins;
for I cannot deny his word, and he hath said that no unclean thing can inherit
the kingdom of heaven; therefore, how can ye be saved, except ye inherit the
kingdom of heaven? Therefore, ye cannot be saved in your sins.” Our Heavenly
Father has provided us a way to be forgiven of our sins. Jesus Christ suffered
for our sins so that we can be forgiven if we sincerely repent. I want to
repeat that last part of that because it is key, we can be forgiven if we
sincerely repent. As you go through repenting it can be painful, but it leads
to forgiveness. I love the promise we receive in Doctrine and Covenants 58:42,
the Lord promised, “He who has repented of his sins, the same is forgiven, and
I, the Lord, remember them no more.” The power of sin is great. Satan will do
everything in his power to convince us that we are not worthy to go through the
repentance process, that we as sinners are too far gone. In the Miracle of
Forgiveness it is discussed that Christ’s death on the cross offers us
exemption from the eternal punishment for most sins. That He took upon himself
the punishment for the sins of the world, with the understanding that those who
repent and come unto him will be forgiven of their sins and freed from
punishment.
In a talk from President Dieter F. Uchtdorf he says, “None of us is quite as Christ like as we know we should be. But
we earnestly desire to overcome our faults and the tendency to sin. With our
heart and soul we yearn to become better with the help of the Atonement of
Jesus Christ. If these are your desires, then regardless of your circumstances,
your personal history, or the strength of your testimony, there is room for you
in this Church.” None of us are perfect
and Heavenly Father knows this. That is the reason for His plan, but we must be
willing to follow it. We must not put off repentance. In Alma 34:32-33 “For behold, this life is the time for men to prepare to meet
God; yea, behold the day of this life is the day for men to perform their
labors. And now, as I said unto you before, as ye have had so many
witnesses, therefore, I beseech of you that ye do not procrastinate the day of
your repentance until the end; for after this day of life, which is given us to
prepare for eternity, behold, if we do not improve our time while in this life,
then cometh the night of darkness wherein there can be no labor performed.” All
throughout the scriptures we hear cries of repentance and to not hold off. We
never know when our time on Earth here is done and we should actively be trying
to earn our presence with our Heavenly Father.
Returning back to my story it took me awhile to learn some of these
lessons and I am by no means perfect, but I have been able to take advantage of
the repentance process. I was able to feel my Heavenly Father’s love throughout
it. I knew all along He wanted me to succeed. He wanted me to abandon sin and
actively try to be more like Him. As I completed the repentance process I
started working on making it to the temple. I wanted to give me husband what he
had worked his whole life for. He had always wanted a temple marriage and now I
wanted the same. The day I sat in my temple recommend interview one of the
questions was, “Do you consider yourself worthy
to enter the Lord’s house and participate in temple ordinances?” For a moment I
hesitated, but then I said a simple yes. For a moment memories rushed back to
my mind and I remembered the scripture my Bishop had shared with me, I
remembered that I had done what was asked of me and that my Heavenly Father
remembered my sin no more and that I needed to do the same. While I remember
the many lessons I learned all throughout I don’t focus on my sins or the
negative feelings unless sharing them as I have today. I share to help others
to understand that no matter how far gone you might think you are there is
always hope. That day in the Bishop’s office I was able to say for the first
time that I knew I was worthy to enter the temple and a few weeks later I was
sealed to my husband for eternity. I learned a very important lesson during this.
There is always a way back. Heavenly Father wants us to succeed in this life
and find our way back to Him, but the choice is ours. He also provided us with
our agency. Our agency to choose to keep sinning and never repent, but there
are consequences maybe not in this life, but in the next. I encourage all those
who need to repent to do so now. No matter how small or how big the sin, sin is
sin in the eyes of our Heavenly Father.
