Forgiveness

 There Are times when I hear a lesson and I feel as if it was written directly for me. Today in Young Women's I had this very thought, the subject: forgiveness. Forgiveness seems like a simply task in most situations, but what happens when we must forgive someone who has hurt us and changed our lives? Most of all how do we forgive ourselves?

  Two and a half years ago I was in a situation and I by no means was the only victim. I was hurt emotionally and physically, but I hurt that person as well in other ways. I made the decision to walk away from the situation after enduring the pain for months. The situation left me alone and broken. I knew I had to ask Heavenly Father for forgiveness, but I wasn't ready.

Today I look in the mirror and I do not like what I see. It is interesting to say that out loud, but it is life. I first want to be honest where my train of thought has come from. Two and a half years ago my life was completely different, but I went thru some very traumatic things that have greatly impacted my life. As I have moved past that time there are some things that still linger in my life.

   Imagine being told you're ugly, you're fat, no one will ever want you and so many other things far worse than this. Now imagine having to erase those things and remember that you are a daughter of Heavenly Father. You are perfect in His eyes. How do you see yourself the way He sees you? I am trying hard to learn this and I am still struggling with it two years later. I so badly want to see myself the way He does. I want to be the wife my husband deserves and I feel as if I am not. Every day is a struggle and I don't want it to be anymore. I am emotional and spiritually exhausted.

 After the traumatic situation I went thru I started showing tendencies of post traumatic stress syndrome. Although I am not nearly as bad as most cases it does affect my life. I am controlling and obsessive. I obsess over silly things, but in the moment I convince myself it is the most important thing. I clean non stop, clutter makes me anxious, things not being in the right order, etc. It started to control my life. Every time I felt like I was losing control then I would try harder to control other things. This situation was made worse by the fact that we've been trying to start a family for over a year and a half with no luck. Again something I can't control and my lack of ability to control has made the situation a lot harder.

Two and a half years ago I lost all control. I had given all the control to someone who did not deserve it. I let someone control every aspect of my life, how I dressed, what I ate, how I talked, and so much more. My life was quickly changing and I didn't know how to stop it. I was torn down to nothing. I was emotionally and physically abused by someone who meant the world to me. Aside from a few people I have never shared that with, but as I am dealing with the anxiety it has caused I've had to readdress it. I had pushed it to the back of my mind as much as I could and hoped it would go away. I never forgave myself for the part I played nor did I forgive the person. Forgiveness is a powerful thing and we must forgive everyone. I can't ever forget what happened, but I can forgive the person.

The problem I face today is that although I thought I had forgiven this person and myself. The truth is I had not. I harbored feelings for the past two and half years. I've been thru many stages: anger, sadness, loss, depression. We both had told each other we forgave the other, but those were just words. In my heart I truly had not forgiven. I was and am still angry. Angry that someone who was supposed to protect me and be a worthy man treated me like I was nothing. I have lost my self-esteem and I want it back. It will take time, so now I face the hard part of this whole trial. I have to readdress the issue and forgive myself and the person. I need to do this so I can really move on. A year ago I wrote tons in my journal about forgiveness. Here's an excerpt, I first shared a scripture from Doctrine and Covenants 64:9-10, "I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men. " Here were my thoughts that day as I read that scripture, "Forgiving is a commandment from God. How do I learn to forgive, but also remember all I've learned from the situation? I myself need to be forgiven, but there is much I must forgive and move on. Forgiveness is better than revenge: for forgiveness is the sign of a gentle nature. When we refuse to forgive we accomplish nothing. We inhibit our spiritual progress.

I am not expert on forgiveness and although I am struggling with learning how to do so I have a strong testimony of it. I have a testimony that we need to forgive to truly move on. If we do not forgive, then we can not experience true happiness. How can we expect Heavenly Father to forgive us and then refuse it ourselves? The adversary will convince you that you don't need to forgive or be forgiven, but Heavenly Father has commanded us so we must go and do.