Released

 In a talk given by Elder William R. Walker he stated, “… we need to graciously accept and acknowledge the inspiration that led to our release from a calling we loved.” Those words while correct are very hard to remember.  Last Sunday when I was told I was being extended a new calling, all I heard was you are being released. The most I had served the Lord in a calling was for 4 months and I did not get really attached. I have been in Young Womens for three years so this one was a lot harder on me. I was blindsided and angry, but I accepted my new calling.

   I went and sat in my room alone with a million questions running through my mind. Why now? My first thought was that I had failed the young women. While I had been in Young Womens for three years I had only been in the presidency for a year and I was the only one being released. I questioned everything I did wrong. I never once thought about the lives I had touched. The adversary had gotten to me that quickly. He had convinced me that I was a failure. I had failed Heavenly Father

  After my thoughts of failure and sadness (sorry to the Primary President who called me so excited I accepted the call and I broke down in tears) my emotion turned to anger. The anger came fast and full strength. I became mad at everyone around me and said hurtful things. I was irrational. The worst of my anger was reserved for one: Heavenly Father. I told Him that I was so angry with Him. That when I prayed for strength this is not what I meant. I love the young women so much and my calling is what kept me going to church. There were days the only reason I went because of those girls. It became my identity. I can’t even put into words how angry I was. My sweet husband listened to me cry for hours on Sunday and again on Monday. He read me scriptures and tried to convince me that this happened for a reason.

  After talking to a dear friend and telling her my thoughts (which I now see as irrational thoughts) she said maybe I was released because something was going to happen like maybe we would finally be able to start a family. This got me thinking and doing some soul searching. What I found next really surprised me. I knew I was struggling spiritually and I felt like my calling was what kept me going and I was so mad at Heavenly Father for taking that away from me ( I actually said that to Him).

  Here’s what I have realized, He did not take anything from me. He gave me a gift and that is time to focus on myself. I have been very open in the last couple months that I was struggling and shared a story of a sister from another ward coming to let me know He was aware of this struggle and that He loved me.  It was at this time that I felt like my prayers were being unanswered, but now I know He was prompting others to help me. He was prompting shifts in the church to make sure the girls would be taken care of in young womens.

  I put my heart and soul into my calling. I would not change anything I did and I know after much prayer that I did not fail. I did my calling and I served the Lord. I know He is proud of me for that. He just realized sooner than I did that I was so focused on helping others gain a testimony or even just to come to church that I started to lose my own. Our testimonies are like a plant that needs constant nourishment. We must water them daily to keep them alive and I have spent the last years watering others plants that I forgot to water my own.  I am sure that the more I serve the Lord the better I will be at balancing that. Lesson learned: we must still nourish our testimony while helping others do the same.

  To my young women, I love you so much. I don’t think you realize how much my heart aches for all that you face. Heavenly Father has saved you for this time because He knows that you are strong enough to endure it. As leaders we are no different from you, we have struggles also. They may not be the same, but we all face trials and temptations. We are all given the tools to overcome them. I will always remember my time as your leader and I will always love each and every one of you. You helped me grow as a person and you helped me learn how to serve my Savior.  The time comes when we must move on and my time is now. Heavenly Father knew my struggles and has provided opportunity to help me. Know that He hears your every prayer and while He doesn’t always answer in the way you are looking, He will answer. I never asked to be released I just asked for help at balancing all that I must do and to help me thru my struggles. This is His way and His decision.

  I have a testimony of Heavenly Father and His love. He loves each of us individually. He loves us so much that He sent His only begotten son. He provided us a way to live with Him again. We must do the things He has asked of us. Remember to always serve Him and pray unto Him.

Prayer: Make it Meaningful

Dear Heavenly Father thank you for my many blessings…    Lets try this again. Dear Heavenly Father thank you for the home you have provided me, for the loving family that I am able to speak with daily.  We all can find many blessings in our lives, but by thanking Heavenly Father with this broad term we can get ourselves into a prayer rut.

 Sadly, I have recently learned this. Satan has crept in and convinced me that the little things aren’t important. It is ok to skip scripture study for the day or to skip prayer.  I hated this feeling and I wanted to find out what I could do to change it. So I prayed to Heavenly Father to help me.  I kept getting this feeling that I needed to make my prayers more meaningful.  I felt that I was doing what was asked of me. I said morning and evening prayer every single day, but at the end of my prayer I didn’t feel much.

  What I have come to realize is we can get stuck in a rut. We can say our prayers out loud, but not really say them with meaning. Every day I prayer for my young women, but I never feel like I received guidance on how to help them. Once I broke down my prayers line by line I realized if I needed help with a young woman then I needed to pray for her by name or I pray for the youth to receive something specific. For example I pray that the young women will be able to feel the spirit today while at school and remain strong against temptation.  

  We all have been guilty at some point of saying prayers over and over again. When we pray at meal times we often say, “Please bless this food that it will strengthen and nourish our bodies.” How can we make this more meaningful. While we surely appreciate the meal that was prepared, did we really feel the Spirit during that prayer? While I do not have all the answers as I am still working on this myself. I wanted to share the thought that prayer is so incredibly important. It is how we speak to our Heavenly Father. We can’t speak to our spouse using the same terms and sentences daily while expecting to keep that relationship going. Our Heavenly Father is not much different. While He will always hear our prayers we need to feel the spirit when we say them. We need to ask and pray for specific things. If we want to keep our relationship open with Heavenly Father we need to be able to talk to Him freely and share the details of what we need. I have a strong testimony of prayer. I know that He hears us and wants to help us. I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ.

Don't be so hard on yourself

Wow I am the biggest slacker. I haven't blogged in forever. It was my goal to at least do it once a month and I have failed at that so here I am trying it again. 
       

  Someone recently said to me that we are own worst critics. Wow, isn't that the truth? I started to think about this a lot and as much as I want to be thinner and fit I still need to learn to love myself as I am. I need to learn to love myself as my Heavenly Father loves me. He has loved me when I was my heaviest and when I was at my lightest. So how do we ensure that we can be happy no matter how we are? 

  Our health is so important to so many aspects of our life. It affects our personal well-being, our personal interactions, our approach to how we do our work, but most importantly it affects how we serve our Heavenly Father. If we are unable to care for ourselves it is far more difficult to serve others. In Doctrine and Covenants 88:124 it states, Cease to be idle; cease to be unclean; cease to find fault one with another; cease to sleep longer than is needful; retire to thy bed early, that ye may not be weary; arise early, that your bodies and your minds may be invigorated."  We are commanded to not be idle that we must ensure we are taking care of our body, our temple. The adversary knows he will not receive a body and in turn wants us to misuse ours. He convinces us to not love ourselves and to not appreciate this gift. We must learn how to love ourselves and be willing to take care of it.

  I didn't take care of myself for a long period of time and it made me so unhappy. No matter how many times my husband told me I was beautiful I couldn't believe it. I am working hard to take care of myself and although I now think I am beautiful no matter what I have learned that I still need to work daily to care for myself. By doing this I can in turn serve others better as well as serve my Heavenly Father better. Brigham Young said it best when he said, "If you have a bad thought about yourself, tell it to go to hell because that is exactly where it came from."

Our Story

Her Story:

 My divorce was finalized and it was my first time ever attending a single adult ward. I had no idea what to expect, but I was nervous. I was a new convert who had already fallen away from the church for a short time, who was recently divorced, and 26 years old. Was this where I belonged? At that moment I thought about turning around and running the other way. I went in to find a seat when a girl with a bright smile came up to me and introduced herself and asked who I was. We talked for a moment and she asked if I would like to come to an activity on Friday. I was hesitant, but I agreed to go. She said that she would not be there until late, but she would be sending some friends to pick me up. I gave her my information and that was that. I found my seat and enjoyed my first Sunday in the Single’s Ward.

  When Friday came around I was nervous. I dressed up in my best western clothes (it was a western theme) and a girl knocked on my door. I went with her and two of her guy friends. It was easy to talk to them and become friends. It was amazing to me how open they were to being my friend even though we had never met. We went to this event at the barn and ate dinner. We then watched the Pie eating contest in which the two guys said to cheer for their roommate. So we clapped loudly for their roommate as he inhaled his pie and won first place in the contest. We continued our evening as it was winding down we were asked to take some chairs back to church. As we were putting the chairs away I walked past the roommate who had just won the contest and he muttered something about it being cold to which I smiled and continued walking.  My new friends invited me to come hang out at their house and watch a movie. We went to a large house where I was informed that these two guys plus three more lived. We went downstairs and started to watch America’s Most Funniest Videos. My friend sitting next to me pointed at each person and told me who they were. She gave me a brief story of them all and then she got to the two guys on the end of the couch who were jokingly cuddling under a blanket. She pointed at the pie eating contest winner and said, “That is Clint, but he doesn’t talk much to girls.”

 Fast forward a couple of weeks to church I had brought some old friends with me. We were sitting at Linger Longer (dinner after church) when she pointed at the contest winner and said that boy in the striped sweater is cute to which I stated, “Don’t bother apparently he doesn’t talk to girls.” Later that evening I was invited back to the house to watch a movie. When I arrived there were couches on cinder blocks to make stadium seating and a sheet with projector on the wall. We all took our seats for the movie. Right near me was the contest, sweater wearing guy who had yet to utter a word to me. We watched the movie and as it ended I said something to him. We then started to talk. I don’t remember much of what was said other than he asked me if I would go camping with him and I explained it was winter. He then informed me we could go in an igloo.  We talked for a couple hours and at about 2 am he stated he needed to go to bed. He got up said good night and left. I sat there wondering if he was interested or not, but then went to find my friends to leave. The next evening was Family Home Evening (in the single’s ward we do this at the church). I walked in and looked around to see my friends had not yet arrived, but I did make eye contact with Clint. I had to step out to take a phone call from work and as I was on the phone I watched Clint walk up and down the hall way looking around. My new friends were bringing a guy to introduce me to so I was so preoccupied at that moment. I got my dessert and then went to sit by the only familiar face I knew and that was Clint. We started to talk and eventually my friends showed up with the guy they wanted me to date. They introduced us and I said hello then turned back around to Clint. This poor guy was invisible to me because I had already found someone who had my interest.

  Clint finally asked for my phone number and he invited me to come hang out for a while. We hung out and talked some more. I then invited him to watch a movie with me. That was my last day alone. We have been inseparable ever since. I was so nervous getting in to a relationship. I was recently divorced and also dealing with a very traumatic relationship that I still wasn’t fully done dealing with. It was only about a week into dating Clint that we were sitting there and I told him I had something to tell him. I laid it on the line. I told him about my divorce and about this other relationship. I told him who it was with and all the events leading up to it. Bad decisions I made and how I was currently repenting for all my mistakes. I told him that if he was looking to getting married in the temple that was not something I was able to do anytime soon because I was going thru the repentance process. He looked at me and said, “We all make mistakes.” He accepted my trials and we continued dating. Dating Clint was so easy. He was such a gentleman and my friends adored him as much as I did. I adored his family and could see why he was so loving. They welcomed me in to their home with open arms.  He was a light in my life that was full of so much darkness. He completed me.

  Marriage was a topic that came up quickly. We looked at rings. He showed me what he liked (they were horrific) and I showed him what I liked. When he told me he would design it himself I was super nervous. It was a cold day in January and I had a crazy day at work (I was a manager of a hair salon). We had plans to go on a date to Tucanos, but I was exhausted and canceled. As it got closer to dinner time I decided I would go. We went to dinner and he then suggested we go walk around temple to see the progress as it was being rebuilt. We walked around and as we arrived to the gate of the temple he got down and one knee and said that one day he wanted to take me to be sealed in the temple. He then asked me to marry him. I then said I had to go look at the ring first since it was dark, but then I said yes. (Yes I love to ruin serious moments with my humor that is how I cope so I don’t cry) I knew that my answer was always yes. Clint was and still is a man of God. He displays so many Christ-like attributes. Often times I do not feel worthy of a man like him. He truly was a gift sent to me from my Heavenly Father.

  His Story: 

When I first met Dani I noticed that she was quiet and not much of a talker.  She spent most of the night with a few other young women from the ward who we're showing her around and introducing her to the guys in the ward, most of them my roommates.  I did not have much of an impression the first time because it was mostly saying hi and that was it. I do remember thinking she was really cute and that I wanted to get to know her a little more.

The next Sunday I remember seeing her come and hang out with my roommates and it gave me a reason to come and be a bit social. That night I invited her to go camping (in November) which she thought was too cold, so I suggested that we go and build some igloos. I was only half serious about it, I would build an igloo just to do it but wasn't really expecting her to go along with it, pretty much everyone isn't adventurous enough to try it out.

After seeing Dani at church and at the singles ward FHE I built up some courage and invited her to come hang out at Buffalo Wild Wings and asked for her number. All I can remember of that FHE was that I was happy and had a good time hanging out with Dani. Afterwards we also went to play some games that night where Breann was trying to get Dani to meet another guy who was interested in her. Luckily they didn't hit it off that well:) we played some game that I don't remember the name of, but at one point it had to do with chemistry and having two teams going back and forth in trying to name all the elements from the periodic table. I and the other team went back and forth for several rounds picking easy ones and then I threw out californium. They all thought I was making that one up until I blurted out out, "it's number 98 on the periodic table!"  They gave up and let me have that round. Dani picked up I'm a pretty big nerd real fast.

The next time hanging out with Dani we went to Buffalo Wild Wings with a group of friends where we ended up ignoring everyone else and got to know a little about each other. After everyone else thought 11 was late enough and went home,Dani and I rented two movies and decided to go watch those at her place instead.

The next day was the Wednesday before thanksgiving and was feeling really tired so I called in sick and then went over and hung out with Dani. I had made plans to drive to Utah for that weekend but instead I stayed with Dani and we had little Caesars pizza instead. It was one of my best Thanksgivings I remember.

We dated for a few more weeks and I invited her to come with me to Utah and meet my family for Christmas. Once we got there she fit right in and the family loved her. Because it was so short notice there was no presents for Dani so my mom took some scrap book pictures of mine and quickly put together a collage to give her,which still hangs In our bedroom.

We made two trips to take pictures first at Oquirrh Mountain and then at Temple square.  I remember how happy and excited we were to be there and we already were talking of wanting to get married In the temple. Two months later I took her to the Boise temple and proposed to Dani which was very daunting experience, but being in love it was the next step for us. I know Dani is who I belong with and that we are a perfect fit. I love her just as much now as I ever have and know that she is the biggest blessing in my life.

Our Story:
   So that is our story of how we met. It was simple, quick and sweet. We strive to be better every day, we accept each others short comings, we center our lives on the gospel and that helps to make our marriage strong. We work at it every day. We still date and we laugh. We act like we are kids at times and then snap back in to real life. We have struggles and trials just like every one else, but we love each other unconditionally. We are eternal companions and we made those covenants two years ago( our anniversary is this week).

                                                           Our first photo together

Make Your Marriage Eternal

"Marriage is a gift from God to us; the quality of our marriages is a gift from us to Him." - Elder L. Whitney Clayton

  As we have approached our second marriage anniversary I thought the best blog post I could share would be about the sanctity of marriage. We are commanded to be married in the Holy Temple in order to obtain entrance to the Celestial Kingdom. In Doctrine and Covenants 131:1-3 it states, "In the celestial glory there are three heavens or degrees; and in order to obtain the highest, a man must enter into this order of the priesthood [meaning the new and everlasting covenant of marriage]; and if he does not, he cannot obtain it."

  We must remember to keep our covenants that we make in the temple. Just because couples are sealed in the temple does not suddenly mean their work is done. We must work every day to ensure our temple marriage stays an eternal marriage. Marriage is sacred and we should treat it as such. We care so much for our prized possessions and try so hard to keep them in the best shape we can. Why is it that we can do this for possessions yet have such a difficult time doing the same for our marriages? I once listened to someone bear his testimony about eternal marriage and he stated his wife was his key to the celestial kingdom. At the time it did not make much sense to me, but the more I learn about eternal marriage the more I fully believe this statement. Our spouse is our key to the celestial kingdom as we can not obtain that glory without them.

 There are so many things in today's world that try to distract us from keeping our marriage eternal. It is our job to help keep the sanctity of marriage alive. If we treat marriage like it is nothing important then that is exactly what it will become. Many people treat marriage like it is not important and that its acceptable to never marry, but I have knowledge that having an eternal companion will bring eternal happiness. Heavenly Father has give us the Plan of Salvation so that we may be with our families again. But we must remain worthy of these promises. We must treat marriage sacred. We must show Heavenly Father that we are grateful for what He has given us. We can do this by working at our marriages every day. Marriage is not easy, but it is possible. We will face trials, but we have two choices: Let those trials tear you and your spouse apart or let the adversary know he has no affect on you and work thru any issues together.  Work at your marriage every day, communicate every day, read scriptures, pray, attend church, and love each other. Put each other first and everything else will fall in place. If you are doing the things asked of Heavenly Father it is much harder for the adversary to get in and do damage to your marriage.

  I have a testimony of eternal marriage. I know that we must treat it differently. I know that we must love our spouse no matter what. We must pray for them and accept their imperfections. We must be willing to compromise and work thru our differences. I know that if we allow Heavenly Father to be the center of our marriage that we can overcome anything. This I say in the name of Jesus Christ.

I Just Want to Love You

  "What do you think about yourself?" was the question that was recently posed to me. Instead of replying I love myself or I love what I see my sentence was negative. Well I wish I could lose weight, have perfect skin, better clothes or be like I used too. I try my hardest to let people think I have self esteem and that I love what I see, but in reality that is a lie.

  Five years ago I had so much self esteem and I felt beautiful. Things change and people enter your life that make you question something you once believed. I used to have tons of friends that I spent every day with and a happy marriage, but things change. I was then in a bad relationship where I was literally told I was fat, I was ugly; no one would ever want me. I had always pinpointed that relationship as the time as I lost all my self esteem, but I have recently realized that the seed was planted long before.

   When I joined the church many of my friends did not agree with my decision and soon stopped talking to me. I acted as if it did not bother me and moved on. My happy marriage was now one of ignoring each other and not touching each other for weeks.  When I was asked recently how those situations made me feel I simply stated, " I always ponder why I was never enough." Why wasn't I seen as a good enough friend to make my friendships last a lifetime or why wasn't I enough to just give me some attention?"

  Moving past the mean words that were spoken to me was difficult, but forgetting all my friends who have left my life and forgetting how a marriage falling apart made me feel is just as difficult. My husband now compliments me all the time and treats me in a way I don't think I deserve, but the thing is that I do deserve it. That is what I need to learn to accept. I need to see myself and accept myself that way my husband does and even more so how Heavenly Father does.

  Heavenly Father has made each and everyone of us. He has given us every hair on our head and He sees our true beauty. The world has us convinced that our self esteem weighs on how we compare to others. We are unique and Heavenly Father made us that way. We must remember that although there might be something we are unhappy about that Heavenly Father gave us that feature for a reason. He knows we can do something amazing in this life and has entrusted us with these bodies. We must always protect them and love them no matter what anyone says.

  I know that Heavenly Father loves us and wants the best for us. We must always be humble, but love ourselves. We must be the light for others so that they may come unto Christ.

Forgiveness

 There Are times when I hear a lesson and I feel as if it was written directly for me. Today in Young Women's I had this very thought, the subject: forgiveness. Forgiveness seems like a simply task in most situations, but what happens when we must forgive someone who has hurt us and changed our lives? Most of all how do we forgive ourselves?

  Two and a half years ago I was in a situation and I by no means was the only victim. I was hurt emotionally and physically, but I hurt that person as well in other ways. I made the decision to walk away from the situation after enduring the pain for months. The situation left me alone and broken. I knew I had to ask Heavenly Father for forgiveness, but I wasn't ready.

Today I look in the mirror and I do not like what I see. It is interesting to say that out loud, but it is life. I first want to be honest where my train of thought has come from. Two and a half years ago my life was completely different, but I went thru some very traumatic things that have greatly impacted my life. As I have moved past that time there are some things that still linger in my life.

   Imagine being told you're ugly, you're fat, no one will ever want you and so many other things far worse than this. Now imagine having to erase those things and remember that you are a daughter of Heavenly Father. You are perfect in His eyes. How do you see yourself the way He sees you? I am trying hard to learn this and I am still struggling with it two years later. I so badly want to see myself the way He does. I want to be the wife my husband deserves and I feel as if I am not. Every day is a struggle and I don't want it to be anymore. I am emotional and spiritually exhausted.

 After the traumatic situation I went thru I started showing tendencies of post traumatic stress syndrome. Although I am not nearly as bad as most cases it does affect my life. I am controlling and obsessive. I obsess over silly things, but in the moment I convince myself it is the most important thing. I clean non stop, clutter makes me anxious, things not being in the right order, etc. It started to control my life. Every time I felt like I was losing control then I would try harder to control other things. This situation was made worse by the fact that we've been trying to start a family for over a year and a half with no luck. Again something I can't control and my lack of ability to control has made the situation a lot harder.

Two and a half years ago I lost all control. I had given all the control to someone who did not deserve it. I let someone control every aspect of my life, how I dressed, what I ate, how I talked, and so much more. My life was quickly changing and I didn't know how to stop it. I was torn down to nothing. I was emotionally and physically abused by someone who meant the world to me. Aside from a few people I have never shared that with, but as I am dealing with the anxiety it has caused I've had to readdress it. I had pushed it to the back of my mind as much as I could and hoped it would go away. I never forgave myself for the part I played nor did I forgive the person. Forgiveness is a powerful thing and we must forgive everyone. I can't ever forget what happened, but I can forgive the person.

The problem I face today is that although I thought I had forgiven this person and myself. The truth is I had not. I harbored feelings for the past two and half years. I've been thru many stages: anger, sadness, loss, depression. We both had told each other we forgave the other, but those were just words. In my heart I truly had not forgiven. I was and am still angry. Angry that someone who was supposed to protect me and be a worthy man treated me like I was nothing. I have lost my self-esteem and I want it back. It will take time, so now I face the hard part of this whole trial. I have to readdress the issue and forgive myself and the person. I need to do this so I can really move on. A year ago I wrote tons in my journal about forgiveness. Here's an excerpt, I first shared a scripture from Doctrine and Covenants 64:9-10, "I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men. " Here were my thoughts that day as I read that scripture, "Forgiving is a commandment from God. How do I learn to forgive, but also remember all I've learned from the situation? I myself need to be forgiven, but there is much I must forgive and move on. Forgiveness is better than revenge: for forgiveness is the sign of a gentle nature. When we refuse to forgive we accomplish nothing. We inhibit our spiritual progress.

I am not expert on forgiveness and although I am struggling with learning how to do so I have a strong testimony of it. I have a testimony that we need to forgive to truly move on. If we do not forgive, then we can not experience true happiness. How can we expect Heavenly Father to forgive us and then refuse it ourselves? The adversary will convince you that you don't need to forgive or be forgiven, but Heavenly Father has commanded us so we must go and do.