I took the lessons for over a year and I read the Book of Mormon. I knelt in prayer to see if it was true just as instructed in Moroni 10: 3-5 "Behold,
I would exhort you that when ye shall read these things, if it be
wisdom in God that ye should read them, that ye would remember how merciful
the Lord hath been unto the children of men, from the creation of Adam
even down until the time that ye shall receive these things, and ponder it in your hearts. And when ye shall receive these things, I would exhort you that ye would ask God, the Eternal Father, in the name of Christ, if these things are not true; and if ye shall ask with a sincere heart, with real intent, having faith in Christ, he will manifest the truth of it unto you, by the power of the Holy Ghost. And by the power of the Holy Ghost ye may know the truth of all things."
I felt as if I had done all this and so I agreed to be baptized. I prayed about it and I had a dream of being baptized so I scheduled my baptism. I was baptized and given the Holy Ghost on April 23, 2011. I went to church every Sunday, continued to read the scriptures, participated in Family Home Evening, and much more. By the church standards I was doing what I was supposed to, but what no one knew was I had no testimony. I believed in my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ, but did I really fully believe the Book of Mormon as another testament of Jesus Christ? Did I really think Joseph Smith restored the church to this Earth? No I did not.
In July of 2011 I slowly started to pull away from my husband at the time and the children he had from a previous marriage. I would stay out all night with friends and avoided being at home. While I have said I didn't get the feeling that I should be sealed I honestly did have that feeling. However, I would not say I fully believe that if sealed we would be living this life after. In August of 2011 I left my marriage and went out on my own. I stopped going to church altogether and started making decisions that affected my life as well as many others. I was in a downward spiral and I was taking others with me. It wasn't until October that a friend pushed me to go talk to the Bishop. A Bishop I hadn't seen or talked to in months, but I had nothing to lose so I went.
I can't really pin point the change, but what I can tell you is the reason I fell away so quickly after being baptized is because I wasn't full converted. I was partially converted. I was converted externally where others could see me, but deep in my heart I was not. I truly believe you must be converted 100 percent in your heart or it is so easy to let Satan in. Satan might only control 1%, but with that 1% he can win. I recently heard someone pose the question if you can be baptized too early and that's what had me thinking. Everything is on Heavenly Father's time and I know that it was all part of my test. I believe with my whole heart that I was baptized at the right time and maybe I failed that small test that was given to me, but I have passed the bigger one. I have returned to the Gospel and I live the standards externally and internally. I know without a doubt that the Book of Mormon is the word of God and that Joseph Smith restored this church.
I say to those who live life on the edge to plant your feet firmly in the ground. Follow all of the standards not just some. Be converted internally and with a pure heart. If you give Satan a little he will find a way to take a lot. I know if you center your life around the Gospel and do what is asked such as prayer, scripture study, home/visiting teaching, Family Home evening, go to church, keep the Sabbath day holy, and follow the Word of Wisdom as well as Law of Chastity then you will not give Satan much room to get in. I have a testimony of this church and I know it is the true Gospel. I know wholeheartedly that my Heavenly Father loves me and is proud of what I have become.
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