This Is me

   I have been very interested in others spiritual blogs that I thought I would turn mine in to something more of that type. I have a lot of thoughts and as many cool journals as I have bought I just don't keep up. So I have decided to give this a try.

   When I think of my life three years ago it was nothing like it is today. When people hear I am Mormon they are always shocked. It is hard to know how to feel about that. I lived a life I am not proud of however it has given me experiences and made me who I am today. It also has lead me to where I am. My life without the gospel was one full of sin and misery. I can honestly say that sin leads to nothing, but misery. I didn't quite see it then as clear as I do now.

   When I met the missionaries I would not even say I believed in God. As I started to investigate the church I was very hesitant about taking the lessons. I had met many sets of missionaries and it wasn't until I met some in which I had a connection with that I started to take the lessons seriously. After learning more about the church I prayed about it. That night I had a dream so vivid it felt real. In the dream I was being baptized by Elder Redpath, a missionary who had recently transferred out of the area. The next day when he showed up at my house with the missionaries who were serving in the area I knew this was my answer. He happened to be there for the day due to meetings and so I scheduled my baptism. I was baptized a few weeks later with John my husband at the time. I mention this because I think it is important to lead me to where I am now. I was baptized and received the Holy Ghost.

     I would love to say that after this day I was a changed person and I was a new me. Being perfectly honest it did not last long. I had given up everything at once. Alcohol which I drank on a daily basis (a glass of wine or two an evening), multiple cups of coffee a day, cussing, not keeping the Sabbath day holy, and suddenly giving ten percent of my income to the church. One of these things is hard enough, but to do them all wasn't simple. I wanted to have a testimony so bad, but I just didn't. I loved the idea of the church, but I wasn't fully committed. This is the first time I have actually admitted that and it sounds so weird to me to say, but it is the truth. I should mention that although I wasn't fully committed I have not touched coffee or alcohol since I was baptized. After a few months I started learning more about the Plan of Salvation and when I say this I don't mean to hurt anyone, but its how I felt. When I learned about being sealed for time and eternity I started to question my marriage. John and I never fought and we got along well enough. He is a dear friend to me and still is to this day, but when I thought about being sealed to him I didn't get the feelings that I should. Maybe it was the adversary trying to get me to believe family is not important. I really don't know why I had the feelings, but I did. I started to pull away from my family. I started staying out with friends all hours of the night and ultimately making decisions that I can never go back on. When I decided to move on from this marriage it was not an easy one. I didn't have much support on this decision, but I moved out and on my own. At this point I felt lost. I didn't want to go to a family ward, but I felt I was too old for a singles ward so I stopped attending church. I started making horrible decisions and soon fell so far away from the church that I didn't think I could ever go back. I was in a life full of misery and I didn't think I could  get out of the despair. As a result of all my horrible choices I had to move in with my grandmother.

     One day I had enough. I did not want to live anymore and that is a feeling I never want to feel again. I called my friend and told her everything that I had done. She was the same friend who introduced me to the church and she told me to go to my Bishop. Since I had bounced around from houses I did not know my Bishop so I asked my old Bishop to meet with me. I told him everything and I immediately started to feel better. He suggested I go back to church so I decided to do so. I arranged to go with some friends to the local singles ward. On my first Sunday I had a girl introduce herself to me and invite me to an activity. I was hesitant, but I did not have many friends so I agreed to go. The following week I got picked up by people I had never met and we went to an old barn for an event for singles over 25. I instantly felt a connection with one of the girls like we had known each other forever....I am pretty sure we were friends in the pre mortal world. I started to spend time with her and her friends when I met a nice young man. On our first conversation he asked if I'd like to go camping (keep in mind this is in November). I explained it was too cold so he suggested an igloo. He was like no one I had ever met for more than one reason.

    Clint was so easy to fall in love with and it happened so much faster than I thought. I had just legally gotten a divorce and was not looking for anything serious, but when it happens you have to just go with it.  I thought for sure it would not last and not because we weren't good together, but I felt like when I told him about my life he would not be interested.  Soon into dating I told him the whole story of the past couple years of my life. I said if you can't accept this now then please walk away now. He simply looked at me and said we all make mistakes. I was very excited that he said this, but part of me felt so much guilt. This was a guy who lived his life so closely to the gospel and went on a mission. He was temple worthy and if he married me it meant he would not be sealed right away. Even thinking about this brings me to tears, but we were in love so we wanted to be married. Clint and I were engaged within a month and a half of dating. We picked a date and decided we would be married civilly and be sealed at a later date. A decision that was hard for some, but it was what was best for us.

    On March 30 we were married at our church building. We bought a house  in Nampa and started going to a nice ward. I am not sure why I had such a huge change of heart, but I did. I was so head over heels in love with Clint that I wanted to prove to him that I had changed. I put my whole heart into the gospel. I made sure we planned Family Home activities and reading scriptures together. I wanted to center our lives around the gospel so we could have a marriage that would last. My testimony grew so much as we started our lives together. I suddenly had courage to start praying out loud (which was a huge deal considering I have only said one prayer out loud and told the missionary who requested I do so that I hated him...yes in the middle of the prayer), bearing my testimony, and speaking during Sunday school. I started to prepare to go thru the temple. In October I got my patriarchal blessing and the next day went thru the Twin Falls, Idaho temple for my endowments. A couple weeks later we were sealed for all of time and eternity at the Salt Lake City, Utah temple.

   Nine months later I have a new calling in Young Women's that I love and a testimony that holds me together every day. I make decisions based on the gospel and my testimony. Maybe most people don't share their story in fear of what others might think, but it is who I am. I wasn't ready for the gospel when I was baptized, but it lead me to where I am and I knew it was true, but I wasn't willing to live it. I now live it and love it. I am proud to be a Latter Day Saint. I am proud to be with my eternal companion. I have a testimony that my Heavenly Father loves me and without this obstacle I would have never found Clint, my best friend, my eternal companion, my life. If I had to go thru the misery and trails a million times so that I could end up with him I would in a heartbeat. This man has helped me gain my unbreakable testimony by showing me what it means to truly love and to truly believe in something.

   So that is me...I wanted to share this so people understand my thoughts and where I am coming from. I focus on our future now and future posts will be how I am feeling and things I love and am learning from the gospel, but I wanted everyone to know where I came from and that I came back. It is by far the hardest thing I have ever gone thru, but it is my trial that I had to overcome. It was my test in this life.

Danielle